Did living in condition yellow kill my creativity?

I spent five years of my life perfecting my ability to read people and sense danger and threats. Constantly being in condition yellow takes you out of LALA land and makes you focus on your surroundings. You live in a constant state of relaxed alert, there is no specific threat but you are fully aware that today could be the day you may need to defend your life and you are prepared to do so. Everywhere I go I am scanning the area looking for what may be a threat, possible avenues of retreat and running scenarios through my mind. Condition white is where most creativity takes place. In condition white you are unaware and oblivious to your surroundings. You’re usually out walking taking in the sites, looking at the leaves on the ground or the clouds in the sky. I believe this is the state where creativity is fostered. Before I started living in condition yellow I wrote every day. I wrote short stories, poems, music and it was all easy for me. I was pretty damn good at it. Once I started living in yellow my creativity seemed to suffer. The amount of writing slowly started fading to the point to where I never did it and when I did it was really hard to do. Do I want to give up my situational awareness for my creativity? I honestly don’t think I can do that. After all attackers look for victims in condition white, and I promised myself I’d never be a victim.

For more information on the Combat Mindset - The Cooper Color Codes check out this link.

Being thankful

What I am thankful for in no particular order.

I’m thankful for my kids; they keep me grounded and remind me daily that everything I do in life I do for them.

I’m thankful for my mom. As much as I get annoyed with her everyday phone calls, I look forward to them. It’s a great constant and as crazy as she is I love her.

I’m thankful for my great friends; I can’t begin to express how much you mean to me. I’m forever in all your debt.

I’m thankful for my two jobs. In this economy I know many people who can’t find one; I’m blessed to have two.

I’m thankful for all those who serve and have given their lives so you and I can enjoy this holiday and the freedoms our great country allows us.

I’m thankful for music. It gives me an escape without having to go anywhere and always makes me feel better.

I’m thankful for everything I have in life.

This list is short, but I’m a simple guy with a simple life. I’m just thankful every day.

Throwing in the towel

I don’t know where to start. I think I am throwing in the towel on blogfest. I haven’t gotten what I was hoping to get out of it. I am not fit for this medium; I can’t open up and be honest. I read everyone’s blogs and I can get a glimpse of your soul in your writing. I go over mine and it’s just sterile and lifeless to me. I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to capture my honesty and soul in my own writing. Getting that vulnerable and honest is something I will ever be able to do. Thanks to all those who have stuck with me this far.

Be back Monday

This weekend is gonna be a very painful journey

This weekend I am embarking on what will most likely turn out to be a very painful journey. Several months ago a lot of drama happened between me and my father. This weekend is the culmination of those events. I have so many emotions built up inside of me. I have rage towards him for what he did. I’m resentful that I let him affect me so negatively. For this situation to occur, I am most angry with myself. I feel pride for taking this and making a positive out of it. Most of all, I’m sad that I no longer have a father; because he made it clear he doesn’t have a son.

I am an INTJ personality type, could be why I have a hard time writing

If you’ve ever thought I was very anti-social or wondered why I turned down going out with you so I can could stay home and read this is why. I just took (again) my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. You can take it here if you want. As my results were two years ago I am still an INTJ personality type. You can read up on it here and here. Of the 16 personality types mine is the rarest with only 1-4% of the population being INTJ’s. Nothing I can say about it could be worded better than what you can find on the web. I don’t feel like copy and pasting everything. I’ll post links the pages describing my personality type.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ

http://www.personalitypage.com/INTJ.html

http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/intj/

http://typelogic.com/intj.html

My love affair…with my beard

I hate shaving. To me it’s the worst form of torture. I had to shave everyday for five years for a job and loathed every second of it. I don’t like the way it feels, and I don’t like the way it makes my face feel. There is nothing fresh about it for me. I am proud to rock a beard. I know one day when I get that job I’ll have to shave again. Until then I am enjoying every minute of my beard.

Screaming insecurities and not taking it so well

We live in a digital age where we tweet and Facebook status update just about every detail of our lives. We constantly open ourselves up to the outside world for all prying eyes to see. We have this need to know immediately mindset. No one can wait anymore. The need to know has spilled over into our real lives, mostly with disastrous consequences. I’m talking about digital snooping.
Almost everyone I have talked to has admitted to one form of digital snooping. Be it be reading emails, reading text messages and going through our personal web pages. Are you really better off knowing everything? If you are truly happy why go digging for problems. If you are that suspicious or insecure in the relationship that you think you might have too snoop, maybe it’s time for a new relationship.
For those that have, what did you accomplish with it? For me it only confirmed what I already knew in my gut. I felt like crap after doing it. I couldn’t believe I was that insecure that I would go through her stuff. I’ve promised myself I will never do it again.

Street tacos and my untimely death

Friday night I went to go see Circa Survive and Dredg. The show was amazing! Afterward before I went to get on the train (that I actually missed and was left stranded) home I decided to get some street vendor tacos since I hadn’t eaten anything all day. This will prove to be my biggest mistake. Warning it’s about to get real in here. Since then I have had the worse runs I have ever had in my life. I either got food poisoning or some kind of parasite or virus or something. I weigh myself every day, since Friday I am down 11lbs. I’ve gone through a lot, kidney stones, broken back (2x), multiple surgeries and this has made me feel the closest to death I have ever felt. Can I just please go back to Friday night and walk past that stupid street vendor.

San Francisco, first class seats, and a cheap John?

In December of 2007, my friend Lauren and I went on a weekend trip to San Francisco. The trip was plagued with disasters from the moment we got to the airport. We didn’t want a rental car so we planned to get on a flight that would get us in town in time to catch the Bart out to my friend Scott’s house in Concord. We get to the airport and we were supposed to be on the 2155 flight, we got bumped (we were flying standby since it was free). The next flight was 2230 and that would put us in SFO at 2355, 10 minutes after the last Bart train leaves the airport. We talk and decide if we are going to cancel the trip and still go. We decided to go and catch a shuttle to the city and hang out till the Bart starts running again. We called my friend and told him that’s what we were doing and he went to bed. We try to go through security and she had her big bottle of perfume which was over three ounces and her choice was throw it away or take it to the car. I had already made it through security. I walk back with her to the car and put it in and walk back and weight to go through security again. On our second trip through she leaves her cell phone in her pocket, she has to go through it again and puts it in the bin to be x-rayed. She goes through no problems, grabs her stuff and we start down the concourse at Sky Harbor and she realizes she doesn’t have her phone. We go back and it’s not there. Luckily we had some cowboy TSA agent who wanted the fight and goes and looks at the camera footage and we find the guy who took her phone from the bin and we call the police and fan out and search from him. I spot him at the gate about to board. The officers tell the gate agent to stop boarding. The officers pull him aside and search him and find her phone. In the three minutes since he stole it, he disabled the sim reprogrammed it and wiped all her info. We had to prove it was her phone. I remembered I had loaded some rough demo recordings on her phone. This was all the proof the cop needed to arrest him. I made sure it was a felony by telling him the phone was valued at $400. At this point we were late for out flight it was scheduled to leave. They held the plane for us. We get to the gate and they had heard what had happened and upgraded us to first class. We board the plane and laugh and tell the pilot our situation how were not going to make the last Bart train and how this trip has been a disaster. We were supposed to land at 2355, somehow we landed at 2335. They told us as we were taxiing to the gate to get our bags out and get ready to get off the plane, the called ahead and they had people ready to point us in the direction we needed to go to make it to the Bart train. We had all of first class intoxicated with our drama of this trip. We get to the gate and we are off running to the train, we get to the ticket counter and the train is there, I tell her two for Concord and she prints the tickets I handed her a $20 and left without my change no time for that. We make it on as the doors were closing. We made the last train. All should be fine right? Wrong. I try calling my friend and no answer, I email him nothing. Last he heard we were hanging out in the city and going to catch the first train out his way. We land in Concord with no address and no idea where we were. We start walking and an off duty cab pulls up and asks if we need a ride. We BOTH had luggage and were walking together. We put our bags in the trunk and I tell him we have no idea where we are and to take us to a cheap motel. This guy turns to us and says for $20 he will park the cab and give us 30 minutes. Did he really just call Lauren a hooker and me a John? I flipped out and started screaming at the guy, does she look like a hooker, and do I look like I need a hooker? Swears were shouted and we get to a hotel that his brother owns and he sets us up in a room. The rest of the trip was pretty standard we meet up with Scott in the morning and head to the city for a day of shopping. With all the drama that happened we decided we better leave that night and not risk getting stuck in the city when we both had school and work the following Monday.

Murphy, my bitter little brother

All my life I have had bad luck. If it could go wrong it went wrong for me. Luckily for me nothing seriously wrong has happened (knocks on wood). Murphy is like that little brother who is hell-bent on destroying your life. People always stare in disbelief when I tell them the stuff that has happened to me. I’ve decided I am going to start a stand up career based off my life experiences. I’ll be sharing some of my “stories” over the next few days. Hope you find them as funny as I do.

Dating in Salt Lake City

I was asked by the person this bog was inspired by to remove this post so I am. Thanks for being such a baby about it, not like I named names.

When to shoot and what comes next

In a previous blog I wrote about having a plan for an armed intruder and getting the necessary training. This is a follow up to that blog.

If you are going to arm yourself, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Can I kill someone if my life is being threatened? Can I live with the aftermath of my actions? What if the threat is a kid, what do you do then?

I’ve already set my conditions for defense and they are what I can live with, not many will feel the same way. I won’t give away every detail of my plan for safety reasons but it goes something like this.

I hear a window break or door being opened when I know it shouldn’t be. I hear crashing and stuff being broken. I awake and take a second to orient myself. My cell phone is always next to my bed. I grab it and dial 911; next I grab my handgun and flashlight. I take a predetermined defensive position and I announce I have called the cops and I am armed. The intruders at this point should leave, if they are smart. Stay on the phone with the operator. Give them as much detail as possible. Tell them where you are at, what you’re wearing and most importantly that you are armed and trained. Never go out and look for the trouble. Do what you have to do to secure your family but don’t confront the intruders. Give the operator a safe word to give the responding officers. So when the officers come in and clear the house and they approach your location they can call out and you know it’s the police and you put the gun down and move away from it with your hands visible. Be prepared to be searched and cuffed, this is for the officers safety until your identity has been verified. At this point you give the officers the info they need and you try to go about your night.

Now let’s say you announce and the intruder(s) make their way towards you. Announce again you have a gun and will shoot to defend yourself. Now I have determined for me if I am drawn on someone and they still come towards me I am shooting to stop the threat, regardless of who or what they are. If the person retreats and turns and leaves let them, shooting someone in the back is not justified. They were leaving and no longer a threat to you. Now if they comeback with a knife or bat then you are justified. After you’ve shot your intruder tell the operator to send an ambulance with the cops, never say they are dead or that you killed anyone.

Try to stay calm, when the cops show up DO NOT have your gun in hand, make sure you have holstered it or put it out of the way. Always keep your hands visible; cops responding to shootings have no idea who the shooter was. After they determine who you are, be prepared for the questions. Me personally I will tell the officers, that’s the gun I used there are the casings from the shots, I fired (X) times. My lawyer and I will make an apt to come in and answer any questions. Remember “what you say can AND will be used against you”. Just to cover your own ass, never answer any questions. Lawyer up immediately, they will hate this and see it as a sign of guilt, but your lawyer will keep you from saying something that could come back and bite you.

All charges have been dropped, it was ruled a justified homicide, or self defense shooting. All is great right? It could still get bad for you. In a lot of states the family could try and sue you in a civil court for a wrongful death. This could go on for years. Could you live with that? The outcome is never guaranteed just because you were cleared by the cops.

A lot of thought goes into whether or not you could pull the trigger. When it comes down to it, I’m protecting myself and my family regardless of what consequences might come my way. I’d sleep better at night knowing I did all that I could.

my heart is...

This is inspired by and a continuation of a Charlie Nicholson blog. I’ve loved often but never enough. I too think my life will be full of relationships that were short but fulfilling. I would love to find “the one” but I think that is reserved for the truly deserving. Everything in my life seems to have a shelf life of about a year. I’ve had a few “loves” and each of them different than the last. I would never say one was better than the next, just unique. I got something I “needed” from each one. I’ll never forget them nor would I want to. They were a part of my life and had an influence on what I’ve become and continue to be. I am truly thankful for each one, good and bad. I look forward to learning from the future loves, but really hope it’s just one more.

Tonight it’s going to be completely random and nonsensical

I over think everything, my mind is always 10 steps ahead of everything else. I usually see the big picture before the outline has been started. I have no artistic talent whatsoever. I know what looks good and doesn’t but I’d never be able to create it. I rush through everything; I rarely take a moment to soak it in. I rarely plan anything. But when I do, it’s done with military precision and executed down to the second. This is my fifth attempt at a blog tonight and most these sentences will get reworked time and time again. I’ll most likely never work in the field I went to school for. I long for the open road. I could be a nomad and be completely happy with life. If I call you a friend, you can count on me to be there for you no matter what, just know I’ve got the legs. You will always know where you stand with me, I won’t sugarcoat things to protect your feelings, please don’t for me. I am not perfect; I have never thought I was. I am aware of most my flaws and rely on you to point out the rest. My words will cut like knives sometimes, just know that’s never my intent, I take no joy or pride in hurting people. When I have to be brutally honest, I can guarantee it hurts me more than you. I’ll sacrifice my happiness for others, for I get happiness seeing it in the ones I love. Although I’ve claimed to be an atheist, I’ve secretly prayed on occasion. As much as I love being single and alone, I am getting over it and want to settle down. I’m afraid that will never happen I’m a 29 year old divorced dad of two who has been vasectomized. Vasectomized isn’t a real word but I like it. I use lame 80’s catch phrases like radical and gnarly way too often. I watch way too many romantic comedies. I study CQC and combat self defense. I’ve sold every single piece of musical equipment I have ever owned. I have some seriously talented and famous friends. I have never wanted to be in the spotlight. I don’t like praise or recognition. Knowing I did a job well is enough for me. Most importantly I love every single one of you.

Catholic to Christian to Atheist to …

I was raised Catholic. I was baptized and had my first communion in the Catholic Church. At some point in high school I started attending a Christian church. I met a lot of good people and I wish I could remember half of them. All I remember is the people who left a bad taste in my mouth who made me angry and swear off God. I thought “if these are his followers then this is a God I do not want to be a follower of”. So I left church one Sunday and denounced God, and declared I was an atheist. I had always been a little skeptical of it all but this was all I needed to pull the trigger. I’ve spent the past 10 years as an Atheist. This past year I have started to believe that there could be a higher power. Just when things seemed like all hope is lost, something happened to change my fate. I want to be spiritual. I want to find that peace that supposedly comes with it.

Is my need for privacy too extreme?

I hate not having control over any part of my life. I hate Facebook for how loose its privacy settings are. I hate being tagged in photos without permission; I don’t want to be added to any groups either. I don’t want people I don’t know seeing any part of my profile. I hate that friends of friends have the option to add me or message me. I would love to disable that option. I want full control of my Facebook page.

Why am I so hell-bent on my Facebook privacy you ask? Well I have two beautiful daughters who mean the world to me. Their safety and privacy is my number one concern. There are sick people out there and unfortunately they don’t where signs. It could be someone you know very well, or someone you’ve met once or twice. I keep my Facebook page as private as I can. I rarely update anything too personal regarding my kids and even rarer I’ll post photos. I will NEVER blog about my children in this public blog. Maybe one day I will make a family blog that is password required but for now this one will be a kid free zone. Am I paranoid? Possibly. Is it worth it? Definitely if it keeps my kids safe, that’s my only concern.

Being old (somewhat anyway) and Straightedge

I am approaching 30. I am straightedge. I have been for almost half my life now. As I get older I question the need for the label. I know who I am. I know what I believe regardless of my label. I’m at the age where I don’t really have to explain to anyone why I don’t drink. When I was in my early 20’s I was always asked “why don’t you drink?” and I would tell them I was straightedge and explain it. Now if someone asks I say no and it’s left at that. I don’t find myself telling people or explaining it to anyone. I kind of miss explaining it to people, there is some pride involved with it.

“I Stand Alone” is a tattoo I have. It still holds true to me. I was always straightedge for myself and no one else. There is always going to be a “straightedge scene” that I will most likely never belong to. When people come and go I’ll be doing my own thing. Almost none of my friends are straightedge. Like I said, it’s MY choice, a conviction I chose for myself.

As I got older the “pressure” to fit in almost became non-existent. I can go to bars and clubs with my friends and not have drinks handed to me trying to get me to drink with them. Mostly I think it’s because they now rely on me to be the DD when we go out so they want me to stay straightedge for that reason alone. I hate saying this about my friends, but watching them get trashed makes my decision that much easier. I don’t think I am better than anyone by any means and I mean no disrespect to any of my friends when I say that.

When it’s all said and done, I am still proud to be straightedge. When I sit down and think about it I get the same pride I get when I talk about my kids.

“To this I am forever true, I am STRAIGHTEDGE”

BOB, getting out quick in an emergency

Everyone should have a BOB, aka Bug Out Bag. A BOB simply put is a bag you keep filled with the essential items you might need for survival in case of emergency. It doesn’t need to be big, a decent sized ruck or backpack will do. You don’t need to go overboard packing it either. The only clothing I suggest you pack in it is a couple pair of socks and an extra pair of shoes, and a jacket or sweater depending on the weather. If you ever need to grab your BOB, take the minute to get changed into clothes you would be comfortable wearing for 3 days without changing. The essentials of the BOB include; 3-5 bottles of water, good energy bars with lots of carbs and protein, if you have to leave your house on foot you need to keep your body fueled. Another alternative is MRE’s, they taste like crap but they are high in protein and fat and you can fit 5 or 6 in your BOB without much noticeable weight. I good LED Xenon flashlight is a must. I recommend one that has different output options, a low beam, high beam and strobe function. If you carry a weapon(s), I suggest having at least 150-200 extra rounds. Bring your passports and extra cash; keep them safe in a waterproof bag.

Itemized List

Backpack or bag - This is a great backpack with plenty of room and has loops for attaching a sleeping bag.

Sleeping Bag - This is a decent sleeping bag that won’t add much weight to your BOB

Food - Not tasty but will sustain you.

Flashlight - Great light. It makes a good force multiplier in hand to hand combat situations.

Water - Did I really need to link this?

Weapon - Preferably a sidearm, it’s easier to carry. Never leave it unattended with children around.

Ammo - 150 to 200 rounds.

Knife – Any good knife will do, just don’t go Rambo.

Wind and water proof lighter

First Aid Kit - This is a great basic first aid kit.

Blanket – Nothing heavy needed, rely on body heat

Passports - Keep passports and cash in a safe close to where you keep your BOB

Cash - Place cash and passports in waterproof container or bag

Books on how to survive, but I suggest you learn this one beforehand.

Remember; stay calm in an emergency situation. A clear head prevails.

Are you prepared

I am what some people would call paranoid. These are also the same people who believe cops are there to protect them, and nothing bad could ever happen to them. Don’t get me wrong, I love cops and the job that they do. I have had the privilege of working closely with many cops in various functions. I also know the limitations of the local law enforcement officer or LEO as I will call them throughout this post. I will break down an officers job and how I have prepared myself, and how I think you should prepare yourself.

A LEO’s primary job is to enforce laws, be it traffic or civil. A LEO shows up to where he is dispatched to go. Contrary to popular belief, LEO’s don’t have a 6^th sense that allows them to feel where trouble might be happening. It’s all about being in the right place at the right time. You will routinely hear an officer say he was “lucky” to be there when he was. An officers “beat” or AO is usually a 2.5- 5 square mile area. That doesn’t sound like much, but when you factor in neighborhoods it turns into a lot of ground to be responsible for. LEO’s cannot be everywhere all the time.

Your safety and the safety of your loved ones is yours and yours alone. I hate to use the clichéd expression but when seconds count help is minutes away. I believe every outstanding citizen should be a gun owner. Get training first, get comfortable handling a weapon then buy a weapon for self defense. Buying a gun is not just enough; once you purchase it get training with it. Learn everything you can about it. Get training in low light conditions, most home invasions occur at night. Learn how to do emergency and tactical reloads. Learn how to clear all three levels of malfunctions. What would you do if one of your arms is injured? Practice one handed reloads. Practice for every scenario you can think of.

Part of your training should be response training. Get everyone involved, set clear cut rules for what to do, where to meet, who is responsible for calling the police and securing the children, who will defend the family against an attack. How will you get out of the house if you need to escape? Where do you go once out of the house? Your backups need backups as well.

If an armed intruder breaks into your home, do you have the means to defend yourself? Will the responding LEO be investigating your murder or sexual assault? Or will he be investigating your justified homicide on an armed intruder? I would rather be on the latter. Do you want to take the chance on not being a responsible armed citizen?

On being divorced and dating single dad

“Hi I’m Joshua, I’m divorced, and a single father” is the declaration I make to the world. It’s not a cross to bear like some would think. The undoing of my marriage was my fault and I have come to accept it. I just hope the people I meet would only accept it. I still meet people who treat me as if I have some incurable disease.

Dating the single dad is tricky, if any women are reading this, listen up. You will always be second to the kids. I have learned that most women can’t handle this; they need to be number one. For some reason I can’t date single moms either, so where does that leave me?

My advice, take it for what it’s worth (not very much mind you), don’t date a single parent unless you are sure you can handle being number two or three. Take a step back and actually think and be honest with yourself. Being a single parent and knowing this I can’t resign myself to being number two or three.

My Life Is an Island

I’ve come to the realization my life is an island. I go through life doing my thing alone. I don’t rely on anyone and the thought of having to freaks me out. As with an island, my “mass” is below the surface. People mistake this for being a quiet, shy pushover. My isolation stems from having a problem with letting people in. Not because I have trust issues with people, but because I have trust issues with myself. I am afraid of not being able to be there enough for them. I don’t trust myself to be a good friend. So I pull away and distance myself when I start feeling like I could let this person down. This in turn lets this person down. I end up doing what I’m afraid I’ll do. Hopefully I can overcome this and become landlocked again.