Tonight my insomnia (or my 3pm coffee) was keeping me up. Netflix recommended a movie called The Freebie. It was an indie drama flick but based on the synopsis (that I just skimmed) I thought it was a dramedy. This movie managed to elicit some strong emotions. The last time I felt this much disdain and anger towards a character was when I watched The Last Kiss. Both movies almost mirrored my life. It was like I was watching my past. It's only when you're faced with it do you realize how ugly it could be.

Facebook-Free February the end

Well the month is almost over and I went back on Facebook. It was nice to get away from it and reconnect with people on a real level. It was interesting having conversations with people and not knowing what they were gonna tell me cause I knew it from a status update. I will say I did feel kinda isolated at times and the level of texts and phone calls dropped during February as well. It's like without the daily reminder I exist came in the form of a status update. Lets see how long before I want to quit it again.

Laying in bed, my foot hurts, my back hurts and I'm still super stressed about some things. I saw an old flame tonight out on a date and it kinda stung a bit. It got me thinking (which is never a good thing) and now I'm kinda bummed. Blogging from my phone sucks. Good night people.

A simple metaphor on the day

There are 3 neighbors, one of them has an awesome landscaped yard looks amazing and is always maintained. The second guy has an alright yard and wants it to look like the first guys. The third guy, well his yard is a mess. Who should Guy #2 listen to and go to for help? Guy #1 obviously. Who will most likely give the most un-solicited help and advice? Guy #3 of course.

Can anyone figure out what this is a metaphor of?

...

So I've had about 5 cups of coffee today, 4 more than normal. I didn't get out of bed until about 1. I have a feeling tonight's gonna be another sleepless night. My mind is racing with a thousand different things. I'm trying to piece together some semblance of a decent post but this will have to do tonight. Trying to keep that PMA but it's tough.

PS

I love donuts

Wash Rinse Repeat?

WOW. What a 24 hours it has been. To those friends I’ve confided in, thank you for not passing judgment at least not to my face. My life is an open book (sometimes I wish it wasn’t), I try not to hide from my past, it has shaped me into what I am today. Every once in a while I am reminded of my past and sometimes it’s ugly like last night. I know I sure learned from everything but did I need to learn those lessons? Could I have made my life any easier? A good friend asked me if I would do it all the same if I had the chance, I can’t honestly say I would. It’s one of those if I only knew then what I know now things. We can sit here and say how we would do things differently if we had the chance but honestly do you really think you would?

Exercise time:

Think of a huge regret or mistake you’ve made. Think of yourself at that time, what you were going through. With no knowledge of what your future holds, go back to that moment. What do you do? I will admit I think I make the same mistake in that scenario. But I can honestly say today in that scenario I would run and not repeat it.

Just some food for thought.

P.S.

I blame no one but myself for my life.

The other shoe always drops

Sorry folks about yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch at about 8:40 and woke up this morning so no blog. I failed you all. I just got home from work and was in a good mood til I got a life altering text just now. Freaking out. I just might have me a nervous breakdown tonight.

My declaration; being single is not my plague

Why is there a stigma surrounding being single? I get that its human nature to pair up and procreate but what if you don’t have that desire. Why are we the ones who get treated like lepers? I tried marriage, it was a horrible failure. I tried dating and it too was a failure. No matter who I was with, being alone was always better. The last girl I dated, I was sitting on her couch cuddling with her watching TV and the whole time I was thinking I’d rather be on my couch watching my TV alone. I’m not miserable being alone, I kind of enjoy it. My personality type precludes me from pairing up. It’s just not my nature. For all the naysayers who are gonna email or call and ask if I am depressed and tell me I have so much to offer please save it. I’m extremely selfish in the sense that I don’t ever want to have to run any plans by anyone. I can’t resign myself to the idea of having to clear my plans with anyone. I am also deathly afraid of commitment, not just in the form of relationships. I would gladly pay more a month to rent a place and have no lease just to have that freedom to go when I want. I just can’t see any situation where being in a relationship would offer me any benefits. This is my declaration to being a bachelor forever. This doesn’t mean I am gonna go back to whoring around either, that ship has sailed.

“Utterly superficial nonpersons and group-people have so little longing for solitude that, like lovebirds, they promptly die the moment they have to be alone.”

Søren Kierkegaard

Weekend recap

Things that happened this weekend:

• Orientation for a side job (job number 4)
• Took kids shopping for valentines.
• My oldest telling me to quit being stupid and get married all ready. How do you tell a 9 year old no one wants you?
• Got final paperwork faxed off for my training/vacation in March
• Waiting around in Utah county, it felt like I was in the land of the pod people.
• Got to read for three hours today
• Saw a co worker at the coffee shop, talked and learned WAY to much about stuff i don't need to know.

Nothing of great significance happened. It was a typical weekend. I loved every minute of it.

No time for blog

Not gonna post a blog tonight and I don't feel bad about it

Cop Out blog

I got pulled over tonight by my ex-girlfriend. I knew it was her the moment she got out of the car. Our interaction went like this.

Her "do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me laughing "because I never called you back after I broke up with you"

Her laughing "good one, I ran your plates and you came up so I figured I'd say hi"

Me "thanks for the special treatment"

My day was rather mundane other than that. I'm beat this week. Its bed time.

Confession

I have a confession to make. Last night after tinkering with my laptop it booted up. So I was browsing the Internet and I clicked a link to listen to a song and it shot me over to the bands Facebook page. I guess I didn't log out last time I was on and I was still signed in. So I browsed a bit to see if anything had changed. The same people were still bitching about their pathetic lives. The same people were still sharing way too much about themselves, info no one needs to know or should know. The same people at 30 were posting how they got fucked up last night, your 30 quit going to bars and getting hammered. No one is impressed that your 30 and doing something that was cool at 21. Quit bragging about your stupidity. Make something of your life. Everyone is still playing all those stupid fucking games and making it so the news feed is nothing but garbage. Come March 90% of you are getting deleted, if you feel like this was about you it is and just delete me now.

kthxbye

A good day

Today was a great day. Nothing spectacular happened but I was in a good mood all day. I wasn't able to accomplish what I wanted but I made great strides in getting there. It will happen this week. I just want to bask in the greatness that was this day.

This curveball’s mine

Life keeps throwing me curveballs on a full count, I keep swinging and missing. I was never one for the curveball. It was too unpredictable and that was unsettling for me. Law of averages would say one of these days you will hit that curveball on the full count with the bases loaded. My bases are loaded right now and the count is full. I’m about to take my swing…

I’ve been down in the dumps the past week or so since I got the news I would not be getting that new job. It’s also become clear to me that there will always be one obstacle that prevents me from ever having a career in my chosen field. So I am changing it up. I am shifting my focus to the training side of the industry and going to tackle this full force from this moment on. I am swinging, and I think it’s going out of the park this time.

Goodbye old routine, hello no routine

I have OCD. It’s nothing bad like having to touch the door knob 4 times while entering or leaving a room or anything like that. I am all about set schedules. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to deviate from a routine. My routines are pretty standard and my life is pretty standard. I’ve noticed I have normal weeks when I follow my normal routine. Nothing spectacular ever happens on those weeks. I’ve noticed that when something happens and my routines get messed with it changes everything, mostly for the better. From this day forward I am throwing caution to the wind and going break routine as much as possible and see if it changes anything. First thing, no more laundry on Sunday that’s my oldest routine.

It’s Friday night and I aint got nobody

It’s Friday night and I have writers block. I really have no idea what I want to blog about. I thought about blogging about politics but I am burned out on those. Then I thought about blogging about my new found interest in being a survivalist but I am not quite ready to come out as a full fledged loon just yet. Next I contemplated writing about the girl who has me all twitterpated but can’t bring myself to expose myself as completely hopeless. So I am going out tonight to drink Shirley Temples and talk to girls I have no interest in so I can forget about it for one night.

Never blog angry

Had I posted this blog 4 hours ago when I first wrote it, it would have been a bitter vile friendship ending post. After some time to cool down and talking to some friends I am in much better spirits. And I am thankful for my friends. Its been an emotionally draining day and glad its over.

With Love

Joshua

Facebook-Free February

For the month of February I decided was going to give up Facebook. It’s not something that took a lot of thought and contemplation. I have a love hate relationship with social networking sites in general. I’ve quit Facebook several times and always come back because it is an easy way to kill time. It’s only been two days and I am already reaping the benefits of not logging in. I have a lot of negative nelly friends (sorry people) and reading your shitty posts really bums me out. I am having serious reservations if I will even come back after this month is over. I think my mental health is so much better not being on that site. I love you all, but text me or call me.

A new form of blogfest (for me anyway)

Last November I participated in a blogfest. It was a collective of people, many of whom I’ve never met blogging every day. I’ll be the first to admit I made it about 22 days before I threw in the towel. I went into it with all these expectations of finding my voice and really growing from it. All I gained was frustrations. I felt like I could never say what I wanted. I was too critical of my writing like it was going to be this great novel. My friend snapped me out of it by reminding me that “it’s just a fucking blog dude. Just write, it won’t get read anyway.” He was right, this will get read by maybe 10 people if I am lucky and I know all 10 of you and you know me on a level deeper than I can write. So what do I have to prove anyway? I am raw unedited and at times pretty damn vulgar. I might bitch and moan one day on here and hell I might even talk about my feelings too! For the month of February it’s going to be the real me. If the vulgarity bothers you, too fucking bad deal with it. I am only out to please myself this month, pun intended.