I'm a mess, that's the best way to describe it.

I don't like to get personal on here but here it goes. I've been a mess these past few days. I'm not going to go into all the details surrounding it for everyone's benefit. I had a friend, hell I'd call her my best friend. We talked everyday and for the first time in my life I was open and honest about everything. I never felt pressured or judged. She knew my flaws and there are plenty. She never once judged me and I love her for that. I jokingly told her if I ever got married again she had to be my best man, that's how close we got. The more we talked the more I realized how awesome she was. As with my life it's never simple. I started getting romantic feelings for her sometime last year and never really said anything because there was complications. Fast forward and feelings were mutual. We stepped up the friendship to a romantic level and things have never been the same. I love this woman with all my heart, she is nothing I ever expected I could fall for. Like I said nothing is ever simple in my life. There is always some sort of complication. After escalating the friendship to the romantic level, it was hard for me to go back to the friendship level. I tried and it killed me. All I want is to be with her. I had to step back and be a realist, I'm a bit of a dreamer I can admit. The odds of us working out were slim and I still want to be friends. Talking to her everyday while having these feelings and the realization that most likely nothing would ever happen killed me. I decided I had to do whats best for me and stop talking to her until I had these feelings under control for my own benefit. Is this selfish? Possibly but sometimes you need to do what you feel is best for you. I never wanted to end any friendship or severe ties, and I think that is what happened here. It's fucking killing me everyday. I miss her like crazy, I still think about her all the damn time, I hate this feeling. I've never been this guy. A day without talking to her just doesn't seem like a normal day for me. I hope one day we can move past this and be friends again.