2011 recap < plans for 2012

I can't say 2011 was a complete bust, but it wasn't awesome either. The year started off like any other year. I had high hopes that this was gonna be the year that things started to look up, and for a brief moment they actually did. 2011 was the year that I finally found myself and my calling. I had my best friend to thank for that. Through her constant question asking and nagging she really made me dig down deep and evaluate what I really wanted in life. She believed in me when no one else had and for the first time I actually believed in myself. I'll forever be grateful for her, even at times I seemed to be slightly irritated with the constant questions. I fell in love and broke my own heart. I lost my best friend because I'm a huge ass, pushed another friend away because that's what I do when I'm hurt. I did manage to bury myself in the gym and lose 50lbs. So 2011 wasn't the best but I'm still thankful for everything this year. 2012 is gonna be my year(I know I say this every year) but I have a couple big projects in the works that should make me completely self employed by the middle of the year. 2012 is gonna be the year I go for gold, I'm gonna get back out there and date, I think this 6 month break was enough for me. Nothing is gonna stop me in 2012.

Screaming Infidelities…

So I'm laying on the couch suffering through the last stretch of food poisoning watching tv and I hate what I see. Maybe it's always been the thing but I'm just now noticing how every character in every show is a cheater. There is nothing I despise more than cheating. I hate the fact that I've cheated and almost everyone I've ever met has admitted to cheating as well. What has happened to values and morals? Does integrity even exist anymore? Why does Hollywood feel the need to use cheating in its stories? I would just like to see one movie or show where someone has some sort of a moral compass.

Judge not lest ye be judged

I have a different personality. Most people don't get it. Those who do get it usually end up being some of my best friends. Lately I've been taking a lot of heat for my personality and sense of humor. I'll admit it's sarcastic and at times highly offensive. I'm never abusive with it and I don't knock other people or get off on watching others misfortunes. I don't hate women, despite what my jokes sound like. I've never once passed judgement on any of my friends for anything they have done or said. I kinda expect the same. Judge not lest ye be judged. I'm not religious by any means, but those who know me know I have a heart of gold. I will always strive to do the right thing, and I'll always be there for you, even when I shouldn't. Keep this in mind next time I've upset you and you want to call me out. Have I ever done it to you? Chances are I could've but didn't. I won't post shitty remarks when I disagree with something you've said. We are all entitled to our opinions and beliefs. Just think at the end of the day, did your shitty remark make you a better person? Before you go thinking I'm holier than thou, I'm not, I know that. This was all over the place. Hope it makes sense.

I'm a mess, that's the best way to describe it.

I don't like to get personal on here but here it goes. I've been a mess these past few days. I'm not going to go into all the details surrounding it for everyone's benefit. I had a friend, hell I'd call her my best friend. We talked everyday and for the first time in my life I was open and honest about everything. I never felt pressured or judged. She knew my flaws and there are plenty. She never once judged me and I love her for that. I jokingly told her if I ever got married again she had to be my best man, that's how close we got. The more we talked the more I realized how awesome she was. As with my life it's never simple. I started getting romantic feelings for her sometime last year and never really said anything because there was complications. Fast forward and feelings were mutual. We stepped up the friendship to a romantic level and things have never been the same. I love this woman with all my heart, she is nothing I ever expected I could fall for. Like I said nothing is ever simple in my life. There is always some sort of complication. After escalating the friendship to the romantic level, it was hard for me to go back to the friendship level. I tried and it killed me. All I want is to be with her. I had to step back and be a realist, I'm a bit of a dreamer I can admit. The odds of us working out were slim and I still want to be friends. Talking to her everyday while having these feelings and the realization that most likely nothing would ever happen killed me. I decided I had to do whats best for me and stop talking to her until I had these feelings under control for my own benefit. Is this selfish? Possibly but sometimes you need to do what you feel is best for you. I never wanted to end any friendship or severe ties, and I think that is what happened here. It's fucking killing me everyday. I miss her like crazy, I still think about her all the damn time, I hate this feeling. I've never been this guy. A day without talking to her just doesn't seem like a normal day for me. I hope one day we can move past this and be friends again.

This weeks fitness updates

I worked on cardio this week. On Tuesday I did my tractor tire followed by a kettlebell circuit three times followed by a 1.5 mile run. Wednesday me and Eric did a 5.56 mile run. Thursday I did the hill of hell again and shaved 5 minutes off my time. Saturday we did a 5.56 mile hike/run, when I got home i flipped my tire and did a kettlebell routine. I am down under 185 this week. The weight is falling off.

Thursday and Saturdays fitness updates

Thursday after work me and some co-workers went hiking. We started off at this little trail called Rocky Mouth and it was about .70 miles round trip, really weak. After that we decided we were gonna do what they call the "Hill of Hell". That one was about 1.7 miles round trip and the whole way up is pure incline, it never levels out. It's an old jeep trail for the watershed, technically we were trespassing since we had to jump a couple fences to access it. It leveled me, maybe it was the heat or the backpack with 32lbs(I weighed it when I got home) of crap in it. I was determined to make it to the top of this thing, it took me 21 minutes but I did it. The guys from work run up this thing, I hope to get there by the end of summer.

Saturday me and Chris worked out at the park across the street from his house. We started off with an overhead reverse tire throw, basically like a kettlebell swing but launch it behind you. We then ran after it and did it again. We did that for about 100 yards. Immediately following that we took off for a 1/4 lap and made our way back to the tire. Did the tire throw back across the field. Once we reached the other side we did what I call the grinder. Take two dumbbells do a burpee into a curl into a squat into a neutral chest press and repeat 10 times. After that we did 10 roll ups, 10 squats, 10 split jump lunges each side and 10 hip extensions each side. We did 3 rounds of this workout followed by a 1/4 mile run to end the workout.

Tonight's workout

I'm toying with the idea of making a separate blog just for my fitness stuff, but for now this one will have to do. Tonight I started my workout with a tractor tire flip. I flipped the tire jumped in the middle jump out flip it back over and repeat that 10 times. After that I took my 20lb kettle bell and did a nice little circuit, one handed kettlebell swings 10 each side, 20 curls, 20 french press, 20 bent over rows each side, 20 don't know what they are called but I lifted the kettlebell straight up to my chin, I then laid the kettlebell on the ground and gripped it and did 20 push ups followed by 20 mountain climbers each side. After that circuit I did 10 minutes on my punching bag. I repeated this 3 times then did 1.5 mile run. I got back from my run and did the tire flip 10 times followed by 10 box jumps onto the tire. I did that three times. I feel good.

Metamorphisis

Really eerie but this song came on shuffle right after I posted my last post.

Born selfish blind and ignorant
And my school gave me knowledge
But never any wisdom
And in addition the television programmed my brain
Through it's constant repetition
Misdirected infected with mundane roles and goals and heroes
And althought life really has purpose
I wasted my youth in a social circus
Told what is best for me
But I've seen their destiny
Our leaders ignominy
Reconfirm my concern to rearrange and change my life
I'll vow
I'll vow right here
And now no more time wasting just edification purification
We can direct our future
This life, this life has no meaning
Unless we grow
I know there's no use for all this screaming
Unless we grow
Born foolish dull and self absorbed
But I dedicated my life to my reformation and education
In a nation that thinks great pleasure is a Disney vacation
I never fit in to their system
I couldn't understand people
Wasting their time with so called love
And drugs and occupations
While outside the window is a crumbling nation
So I searched for sincerity and lost popularity
Well what do they want from me?
If I lost friends they never were my friends at all!
To find the real me through introspection
And austerity is my life's mission my ambition
I've got a vision to change my destiny
Things don't change - we must change

Half Year Resolutions

I didn't make any New Years resolutions, why should I? Who actually follows through with them anyway? I can admit I never do. Over the past few weeks I was in the midst of a breakdown of sorts; it got me thinking about life. I made some realizations that actually scared me. I have decided to make these things what I am calling my "Half Year Resolutions".

• No more being the emotional trash can for my friends. I'm sorry I've got my own problems I don't need yours, and I won't bother you with mine.
• No more dating/one night stands.
• No more activities that aren't fitness related. I plan to hike at least twice a week and join some kind of sports league on top of going to gym 5 times a week. One year from now I expect to be in the best shape of my life and plan to do the Spartan race and the Tough Mudder.
• I want to spend more time doing charity work, I use to do at least 2 days a month and I haven't done 1 day in a year, this needs to change.
• I am gonna do whatever it takes to repair my relationship with my father, this "feud" needs to end.
• Last and not least, I am gonna be the person I know I can be, no more halfassing it because I can.

I might add more as I see fit and if you know me and know something I need to work on let me know, I want to be a completely better person one year from now.

Saying the hard things... Pt. 1

"When you stop agonizing over every word, you're free to actually mean them." - Sean Durham (as far as I know)

I probably interpreted this as something completely different than he meant it to be. When he tweeted this quote I was struggling with writing a letter to my father. I managed to get my letter written, maybe I will get it mailed sometime this year. I really want to repair my relationship with him. I know my father, he is quite possibly the most stubborn guy on the planet. He went as far as too change his phone number after the last time we talked. I don't know what would hurt most, mailing it and never hearing back or having it returned to sender. I can honestly admit that both of those will kill me. This among other things has me all twisted up these past couple of weeks. I just wish I wasn't so damn stubborn as well. My foolish pride is getting the best of me.

In Transit

I'm currently out on the road somewhere. Im somewhere between completely lost and headed in the right direction. This journey has always felt like it was always "In Transit". When it reaches where it's going will there be someone there to sign for it or will it just get left on the porch. Is return to sender even an option anymore? Will what's inside match what's been stated on the bill of goods? I guess it doesn't matter if there is no such address.

I buckled

I guess I can't handle the pressure. I've already missed a few days of blogging. Who knew that a simple task of writing could bring me to the point of losing all my patience. Somewhere between the 30th when I decided to take this plunge and now, I have lost all my desire to write. I didn't bother to attempt a blog last night. I came home took another four hour nap and was up most the night. I have so much on my mind and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. I'm on track to meet all my professional goals but I feel like my personal life is crumbling down around me. I'm hoping somethings clear up after this weekend.

Explaining 9/11 to my 9 year old

So last night when I picked up my daughters I had the radio on talk radio. They were talking about OBL and without thinking about it I left it on for about 2 minutes before realizing and changed the station. My daughters asked me about him. My oldest was born the January 2002. She never knew the world pre 9/11. She had a basic idea of what happened that day. She "knew" that he brought down the twin towers. We got home and ate dinner and after we ate she started drilling me on it. Anyone who knows my daughter knows she asks tons of questions. This is one of the things I love most about her. We sat down and I asked her what she knew about it and she knew very little. I would have liked to kept it that way but she said she wanted to know more about him and 9/11. She has a computer at home and knows how to use google. I figured I might as well be the one who tells her about it. I start explaining it as best I could, I was tearing up through most of this talk. I was afraid that I would rob her innocence by telling her of the evil in the world. She asked me some of the best questions, I was truly amazed. We talked and I never once said anything to make her lean one way or another. I wanted her to make her own judgement on it. She still didn't seem to get what happened. I showed her some clips and her eyes swelled immediately. I watched that moment it made sense to her. It was one of the hardest talks I have ever had to have.

Adrift...

I constantly feel like I belong elsewhere. Everywhere I have ever been has never felt like home. Part of me feels like I was destined to be a nomad, just going from town to town. Everything in my life is going good. I have two decent jobs and I am on track to meet my personal goals. I have this conflict raging inside of me that wants me to derail my plans. I find myself constantly day dreaming of up and leaving it all. This isn't making any real sense and I have a hard enough time articulating my thoughts. I need to find a way to turn my leaving constantly into my staying put. Non of this makes sense to me, doubt it will for you.

Sometimes no blog is better than this blog

I don’t feel like writing. I’ve sat here staring at this screen for an hour. I get five or six words into a sentence then angrily smash the backspace key and wipe the slate clean. It’s only the 4^th and this month of blogging is proving to be super taxing already. I came home from work tonight with all sorts of ideas for writing. I ended up taking a four nap instead. I woke up with no motivation what so ever, most likely because I knew I had just ruined my night. This is gonna have to do for the night. I am just gonna read and hope for some sleep.

Everyone needs an Osama Blog

Is anyone ever going to be happy? We killed Osama bin Laden. The man was responsible not only for the deaths of Americans but as well as people of other nations. An elite team of spec ops soldiers executed a near perfect mission (equipment failure) and took him out. Now everyone is crying for proof and saying show us pictures. Why the burial at sea? Why did they shoot him, he was unarmed? Conspiracy theories I’m not even going to repeat because they are just stupid. What’s it say about us that we feel we’re always being lied to?

I feel that this administration has handled this completely appropriately. There are things the average person will never know regarding this situation or other situations like it. Sometimes security trumps transparency. I think the proof should have been made available sooner but this is a delicate situation for everyone. Everything that happens now has to be met with extra caution. We have always been a terror target and we will always be one.

Why did we kill him if he was unarmed? How was he resisting? Does it really matter? I don’t know of a single person who would have done it differently. Killing him was our best option for many reasons. Had we captured him alive, we would have to secure him in a prison somewhere. The threat level knowing he was alive would always be elevated. Eventually he would have to be moved for trial, Red Cross workers would want access to him to verify he is being treated fairly. With so many people involved with his security, keeping a lid on his location would be extremely difficult. We knew of his death two hours before we were told about it. We would surely learn where he was being kept. Just think of the possible attacks on bases where terrorists think he might be held.

I understand about the bloodlust we Americans felt. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t desired to kill the man myself. We already killed the man most terrorists viewed as the figurehead of Al Qaeda. As Americans we do need to show some resolve when handling his death. His followers are already angry we killed him; we would just intensify the hate by plastering the world news with images of his corpse. Some would argue they hate us anyway and showing the picture wouldn’t change a thing and for the most part they are right. By not plastering the news we are showing that we had a problem, we took care of it, and we don’t need to glorify it. We don’t need to show them what we will do to our enemies; chances are they’ve seen it firsthand.

Why the burial at sea? Why not? The most hated man in the world deserved a lot worse than a sea burial; he did not deserve to be put in the ground. I heard so many things and I am guilty of saying some of them. Bottom line when they had the body he posed the same security risks as if they had captured him alive.

For an administration that I have had a hard time agreeing with just about anything they’ve done, I back this fully. It’s common sense people. Let this victory sink in and enjoy it if you must. Don’t jump to conclusions and start make assumptions and conspiracy theories, sometimes things are just as they seem.

Stating your goals, ensuring you follow through

My buddy Stephen McKee is doing this 90 day vlog; it’s his Roadmap to Success or something like that. I like the idea. He is gonna document his successes and short comings along the way. I wanted to do it but I didn’t prepare enough and my obvious goals weren’t so obvious to me. In a conversation with him he had to point them out to me, I was like duh how could I not realize that. In that conversation, I realized how truly simple and content my life has been. I have two kick back jobs that pay decent. I have no bills other than rent and car insurance and basic expenses. I’ve been living my life on cruise control. By no means was I miserable about it. I’ve had a basic idea of what I wanted my future to look like. I haven’t told many people these plans so here is my basic timeline of what I want to accomplish.

By the end of the year I want to have all my licenses and certifications to be a firearms instructor. I want to start January by being self employed. In the mean time I am still going to apply at every agency that is taking applications and if I get hired on then awesome. I am still sticking to my timeline. Now that it is out there, I expect to be called out on it.

EverydayMay

Well today starts another month of blogging. I usually blog at night after I have composed my thoughts and ideas. These thoughts and ideas usually get strung together in a way that usually only makes sense in my head. I had some really good ideas for a blog tonight but now all I can think of is the death of Osama Bin Laden. I hate to start the month off with what amounts to basically a cop out blog, but I think I have a good excuse tonight. I am very thankful to our armed services, congrats on a job well done.

Tomorrow I will have a "real" blog.

Condition white could have killed me.

So I just took a vacation where I spent 5 days in training and shooting guns. I will post a blog about that at a later date. In the training I we have it beat into our heads to always do a chamber check and mag check. Well the other night I was bored and had a case of insomnia I decided to clean my gun and magazines. Being safe I unloaded my magazines and locked the ammo up. I took my time I was watching a movie and cleaning, I was off in LaLa land. I finish up and its about 2am and I put everything away. Insert magazine and put gun away. Morning comes and I am in a hurry I get ready put my gun on and head out the door. Well two days go by and I go to change holsters and I notice my gun feels light. After cleaning I never loaded my magazines up. For two days I carried an unloaded weapon. How could I forget what was drilled into my head over and over again. Just a reminder to always stay vigilant with safety and never allow yourself to be in condition white. I'm just glad I didn't need to use it.

When seconds feel like days

I feel like I am constantly in some form of transition. Where nothing is ever quite where I want it to be, and when I think it’s there I find out its back in the other direction. I’m 30(almost) and up until a year ago I felt lost at sea. No matter what I did I never felt that passion for what I was doing. I was just paddling into the open sea hoping to be “carried away on the crest of a wave.” Hoping that I would learn to love what I was doing. I took some leaps into what I thought I would love and found out that it just wasn’t for me. I finally have some direction and have the fire for what I am planning on doing. It’s all I can think about. I know it’s great but it’s making it hard for me to give a shit about my day job in the mean time. The whole time I am there all I can do is think about the day I quit. I keep telling myself only 3 more months, but each passing day feels like an eternity. Here is to blue skies and smooth seas until then. This too shall pass, right?

First day of my life

This Song has been stuck in my head all day.

This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Tonight my insomnia (or my 3pm coffee) was keeping me up. Netflix recommended a movie called The Freebie. It was an indie drama flick but based on the synopsis (that I just skimmed) I thought it was a dramedy. This movie managed to elicit some strong emotions. The last time I felt this much disdain and anger towards a character was when I watched The Last Kiss. Both movies almost mirrored my life. It was like I was watching my past. It's only when you're faced with it do you realize how ugly it could be.

Facebook-Free February the end

Well the month is almost over and I went back on Facebook. It was nice to get away from it and reconnect with people on a real level. It was interesting having conversations with people and not knowing what they were gonna tell me cause I knew it from a status update. I will say I did feel kinda isolated at times and the level of texts and phone calls dropped during February as well. It's like without the daily reminder I exist came in the form of a status update. Lets see how long before I want to quit it again.

Laying in bed, my foot hurts, my back hurts and I'm still super stressed about some things. I saw an old flame tonight out on a date and it kinda stung a bit. It got me thinking (which is never a good thing) and now I'm kinda bummed. Blogging from my phone sucks. Good night people.

A simple metaphor on the day

There are 3 neighbors, one of them has an awesome landscaped yard looks amazing and is always maintained. The second guy has an alright yard and wants it to look like the first guys. The third guy, well his yard is a mess. Who should Guy #2 listen to and go to for help? Guy #1 obviously. Who will most likely give the most un-solicited help and advice? Guy #3 of course.

Can anyone figure out what this is a metaphor of?

...

So I've had about 5 cups of coffee today, 4 more than normal. I didn't get out of bed until about 1. I have a feeling tonight's gonna be another sleepless night. My mind is racing with a thousand different things. I'm trying to piece together some semblance of a decent post but this will have to do tonight. Trying to keep that PMA but it's tough.

PS

I love donuts

Wash Rinse Repeat?

WOW. What a 24 hours it has been. To those friends I’ve confided in, thank you for not passing judgment at least not to my face. My life is an open book (sometimes I wish it wasn’t), I try not to hide from my past, it has shaped me into what I am today. Every once in a while I am reminded of my past and sometimes it’s ugly like last night. I know I sure learned from everything but did I need to learn those lessons? Could I have made my life any easier? A good friend asked me if I would do it all the same if I had the chance, I can’t honestly say I would. It’s one of those if I only knew then what I know now things. We can sit here and say how we would do things differently if we had the chance but honestly do you really think you would?

Exercise time:

Think of a huge regret or mistake you’ve made. Think of yourself at that time, what you were going through. With no knowledge of what your future holds, go back to that moment. What do you do? I will admit I think I make the same mistake in that scenario. But I can honestly say today in that scenario I would run and not repeat it.

Just some food for thought.

P.S.

I blame no one but myself for my life.

The other shoe always drops

Sorry folks about yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch at about 8:40 and woke up this morning so no blog. I failed you all. I just got home from work and was in a good mood til I got a life altering text just now. Freaking out. I just might have me a nervous breakdown tonight.

My declaration; being single is not my plague

Why is there a stigma surrounding being single? I get that its human nature to pair up and procreate but what if you don’t have that desire. Why are we the ones who get treated like lepers? I tried marriage, it was a horrible failure. I tried dating and it too was a failure. No matter who I was with, being alone was always better. The last girl I dated, I was sitting on her couch cuddling with her watching TV and the whole time I was thinking I’d rather be on my couch watching my TV alone. I’m not miserable being alone, I kind of enjoy it. My personality type precludes me from pairing up. It’s just not my nature. For all the naysayers who are gonna email or call and ask if I am depressed and tell me I have so much to offer please save it. I’m extremely selfish in the sense that I don’t ever want to have to run any plans by anyone. I can’t resign myself to the idea of having to clear my plans with anyone. I am also deathly afraid of commitment, not just in the form of relationships. I would gladly pay more a month to rent a place and have no lease just to have that freedom to go when I want. I just can’t see any situation where being in a relationship would offer me any benefits. This is my declaration to being a bachelor forever. This doesn’t mean I am gonna go back to whoring around either, that ship has sailed.

“Utterly superficial nonpersons and group-people have so little longing for solitude that, like lovebirds, they promptly die the moment they have to be alone.”

Søren Kierkegaard

Weekend recap

Things that happened this weekend:

• Orientation for a side job (job number 4)
• Took kids shopping for valentines.
• My oldest telling me to quit being stupid and get married all ready. How do you tell a 9 year old no one wants you?
• Got final paperwork faxed off for my training/vacation in March
• Waiting around in Utah county, it felt like I was in the land of the pod people.
• Got to read for three hours today
• Saw a co worker at the coffee shop, talked and learned WAY to much about stuff i don't need to know.

Nothing of great significance happened. It was a typical weekend. I loved every minute of it.

No time for blog

Not gonna post a blog tonight and I don't feel bad about it

Cop Out blog

I got pulled over tonight by my ex-girlfriend. I knew it was her the moment she got out of the car. Our interaction went like this.

Her "do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me laughing "because I never called you back after I broke up with you"

Her laughing "good one, I ran your plates and you came up so I figured I'd say hi"

Me "thanks for the special treatment"

My day was rather mundane other than that. I'm beat this week. Its bed time.

Confession

I have a confession to make. Last night after tinkering with my laptop it booted up. So I was browsing the Internet and I clicked a link to listen to a song and it shot me over to the bands Facebook page. I guess I didn't log out last time I was on and I was still signed in. So I browsed a bit to see if anything had changed. The same people were still bitching about their pathetic lives. The same people were still sharing way too much about themselves, info no one needs to know or should know. The same people at 30 were posting how they got fucked up last night, your 30 quit going to bars and getting hammered. No one is impressed that your 30 and doing something that was cool at 21. Quit bragging about your stupidity. Make something of your life. Everyone is still playing all those stupid fucking games and making it so the news feed is nothing but garbage. Come March 90% of you are getting deleted, if you feel like this was about you it is and just delete me now.

kthxbye

A good day

Today was a great day. Nothing spectacular happened but I was in a good mood all day. I wasn't able to accomplish what I wanted but I made great strides in getting there. It will happen this week. I just want to bask in the greatness that was this day.

This curveball’s mine

Life keeps throwing me curveballs on a full count, I keep swinging and missing. I was never one for the curveball. It was too unpredictable and that was unsettling for me. Law of averages would say one of these days you will hit that curveball on the full count with the bases loaded. My bases are loaded right now and the count is full. I’m about to take my swing…

I’ve been down in the dumps the past week or so since I got the news I would not be getting that new job. It’s also become clear to me that there will always be one obstacle that prevents me from ever having a career in my chosen field. So I am changing it up. I am shifting my focus to the training side of the industry and going to tackle this full force from this moment on. I am swinging, and I think it’s going out of the park this time.

Goodbye old routine, hello no routine

I have OCD. It’s nothing bad like having to touch the door knob 4 times while entering or leaving a room or anything like that. I am all about set schedules. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to deviate from a routine. My routines are pretty standard and my life is pretty standard. I’ve noticed I have normal weeks when I follow my normal routine. Nothing spectacular ever happens on those weeks. I’ve noticed that when something happens and my routines get messed with it changes everything, mostly for the better. From this day forward I am throwing caution to the wind and going break routine as much as possible and see if it changes anything. First thing, no more laundry on Sunday that’s my oldest routine.

It’s Friday night and I aint got nobody

It’s Friday night and I have writers block. I really have no idea what I want to blog about. I thought about blogging about politics but I am burned out on those. Then I thought about blogging about my new found interest in being a survivalist but I am not quite ready to come out as a full fledged loon just yet. Next I contemplated writing about the girl who has me all twitterpated but can’t bring myself to expose myself as completely hopeless. So I am going out tonight to drink Shirley Temples and talk to girls I have no interest in so I can forget about it for one night.

Never blog angry

Had I posted this blog 4 hours ago when I first wrote it, it would have been a bitter vile friendship ending post. After some time to cool down and talking to some friends I am in much better spirits. And I am thankful for my friends. Its been an emotionally draining day and glad its over.

With Love

Joshua

Facebook-Free February

For the month of February I decided was going to give up Facebook. It’s not something that took a lot of thought and contemplation. I have a love hate relationship with social networking sites in general. I’ve quit Facebook several times and always come back because it is an easy way to kill time. It’s only been two days and I am already reaping the benefits of not logging in. I have a lot of negative nelly friends (sorry people) and reading your shitty posts really bums me out. I am having serious reservations if I will even come back after this month is over. I think my mental health is so much better not being on that site. I love you all, but text me or call me.

A new form of blogfest (for me anyway)

Last November I participated in a blogfest. It was a collective of people, many of whom I’ve never met blogging every day. I’ll be the first to admit I made it about 22 days before I threw in the towel. I went into it with all these expectations of finding my voice and really growing from it. All I gained was frustrations. I felt like I could never say what I wanted. I was too critical of my writing like it was going to be this great novel. My friend snapped me out of it by reminding me that “it’s just a fucking blog dude. Just write, it won’t get read anyway.” He was right, this will get read by maybe 10 people if I am lucky and I know all 10 of you and you know me on a level deeper than I can write. So what do I have to prove anyway? I am raw unedited and at times pretty damn vulgar. I might bitch and moan one day on here and hell I might even talk about my feelings too! For the month of February it’s going to be the real me. If the vulgarity bothers you, too fucking bad deal with it. I am only out to please myself this month, pun intended.

Dusk

Endless nights, bring on endless days.
We have to live with our mistakes.
Will we ever see our dreams again?
Will this dark night ever end?
These are the restless times..
..these are the sleepless nights.

Dead Hearts

pretty much sums me up, I need sleep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJzXsec6Bxo

The State of My Generation Address

I am sickened and ashamed of my generation. I look at how far we have come as a civilization and scratch my head at how ignorant we truly are. My generation has every advantage and opportunity to do great things and we blow it watching Jersey Shore and other shit shows of the sort. It kind of makes sense that when given the chance to dumb down we take it. It’s easy. Getting involved and educated is hard work, and who wants to work for anything right? We want it all and we want it now, no work required. That’s the American way right?

My beef with these so called “reality” shows is that they are not reality. 99% of the populace doesn’t live that way, and if you think they do something is seriously wrong with you. There is some entertainment value, don’t get me wrong. Nothing about these shows should ever be looked to with any seriousness. Watch these shows if you want, just don’t let them consume your life. I know every single one of my friends is a lot more interesting than anyone on Jersey Shore, or any of the Kardashians. If you ever think any of these people are better or have it better than you, get help right away.

It just breaks my heart that I hear people talking about these shows instead of relevant current events. The world is an ugly/beautiful place. The things that happen can be truly great and absolutely horrible but they need to be talked about. I was saddened and disappointed to see that Jersey Shore and The Bachelor were talked about almost at a 10-1 ratio the past two days compared to the tragedy in AZ. It might be ugly but it’s better than the trivial.

*I have never watched a full episode of any of these reality shows. I most likely won’t ever watch them either.