When seconds feel like days

I feel like I am constantly in some form of transition. Where nothing is ever quite where I want it to be, and when I think it’s there I find out its back in the other direction. I’m 30(almost) and up until a year ago I felt lost at sea. No matter what I did I never felt that passion for what I was doing. I was just paddling into the open sea hoping to be “carried away on the crest of a wave.” Hoping that I would learn to love what I was doing. I took some leaps into what I thought I would love and found out that it just wasn’t for me. I finally have some direction and have the fire for what I am planning on doing. It’s all I can think about. I know it’s great but it’s making it hard for me to give a shit about my day job in the mean time. The whole time I am there all I can do is think about the day I quit. I keep telling myself only 3 more months, but each passing day feels like an eternity. Here is to blue skies and smooth seas until then. This too shall pass, right?

This curveball’s mine

Life keeps throwing me curveballs on a full count, I keep swinging and missing. I was never one for the curveball. It was too unpredictable and that was unsettling for me. Law of averages would say one of these days you will hit that curveball on the full count with the bases loaded. My bases are loaded right now and the count is full. I’m about to take my swing…

I’ve been down in the dumps the past week or so since I got the news I would not be getting that new job. It’s also become clear to me that there will always be one obstacle that prevents me from ever having a career in my chosen field. So I am changing it up. I am shifting my focus to the training side of the industry and going to tackle this full force from this moment on. I am swinging, and I think it’s going out of the park this time.

My Life Is an Island

I’ve come to the realization my life is an island. I go through life doing my thing alone. I don’t rely on anyone and the thought of having to freaks me out. As with an island, my “mass” is below the surface. People mistake this for being a quiet, shy pushover. My isolation stems from having a problem with letting people in. Not because I have trust issues with people, but because I have trust issues with myself. I am afraid of not being able to be there enough for them. I don’t trust myself to be a good friend. So I pull away and distance myself when I start feeling like I could let this person down. This in turn lets this person down. I end up doing what I’m afraid I’ll do. Hopefully I can overcome this and become landlocked again.